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How narcissists test your love for them

Instead of creating a safe environment, they come up with ways to destabilize it. They might initiate pointless fights, suddenly disappear without giving a reason, flirt with others, lie or just not share. None of this is by chance. It is a strategy to test how much you will tolerate. The more disorder you suffer without abandoning them, the more they will see it as a sign of your commitment.

They Use the Pushing Away Technique to Check If You’ll Come After Them

Emotional withdrawal is a go to technique for them. They might be loving and warm one moment and distant or cold the next day. When you come after them, comfort them, and put more effort to make things right, they get the message that they are right. For them, your chasing is an indication of love. But true love does not ask for constant proofs of loyalty under stress.

They Evaluate Loyalty by How Much Pain You Can Take

In these kinds of patterns, loyalty gets distorted into endurance. The silent question is:

Will you stay when I disrespect you? When I betray you? When I hurt you?

Enduring emotional ups and downs is considered as going deep in a relationship. However, it is reality trauma bonding most of the time.

They Mix Up Passion With Trust

Some couples say, We literally went through hell and back.

Typically, in a healthy relationship, this can be a reference to how a couple supported each other during difficult circumstances of life.

On the other hand, “hell” in a narcissistic relationship is the couple’s frequent internal turmoil.

The repetitive process of idealization, devaluation, conflict, and reconciliation results in high intensity and one can mistake this intensity as passion.

However, passion and emotional security are two different things.

They Expect What They Would Never Give

The most painful aspect, perhaps, is the double standard. You are expected to forgive betrayal, take criticism, and be loyal even when there is chaos. But at the same time, they may raise the issue of separating just because of a little discomfort or criticism. It is rare that the standards are mutual.

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